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A FLIRTY DILEMMA

Hi Renee,

I have been with my current girlfriend for around six months. Recently, she started a job that is around an hour's train ride from where we live. A few weeks ago, I was speaking to her on the phone while she was on the train and I heard a male voice in the background (talking to her), and asked who it was. She told me it was a friend she had met from work. Things like that don't really bother me so I was fine with her explanation.

Shortly after I got off the phone with her, she rang me back and asked what was wrong, as I seemed a bit "funny." I told her nothing was wrong, which was the truth, but I thought it was strange that she had to ask. Not much else was said about it and everything was normal... until the weekend.

That's when things really started getting weird… We decided to meet some of my friends at a club, but before we left, she got a text message on her mobile phone saying, quote, "Hey did you get my message before? I will be at-------------- R u still coming out? It's up to u...."

There was no previous message saved on her phone as she had deleted it. I asked her why she deleted it and she explained that she didn't know who it was from. I said I would find out for her and then dialed the number. As I put the phone to my ear she said, "Oh, it could be [--] from work." It was.

Apparently, she gave him her number the day before and he told her where he was going to go on the weekend, and she said he had invited us both to come along. Naturally, I started getting suspicious.

As I continued to question her, she became upset and told me that I didn't trust her. Later that night, she received around four or five more messages, one asking her to meet him somewhere and others in which he called her "babe." After receiving these messages, she was hysterical saying that she didn't know what he was doing and so on.

She decided that I should talk to him so he could explain that there was nothing between them. I spoke to him and asked if I was invited and he said that, "You could have come too if you wanted."

What should I do? She keeps questioning my trust for her when it's not her I'm worried about; it's the guy I'm worried about -- she's absolutely gorgeous and I don't blame him for hitting on her (if that's what happened).

I love her so much and she keeps asking me to ask her to marry me, but I don't want stuff like this in the back of my mind.

Please help,
Tod

Dear Tod,

Your concerns are valid and will impact your relationship. She may have innocently given her number to this man on the train, but she likely gave him "Green Light signals" that she might be interested. Sometimes women can be so naïve when they are being hit on!

Does she often send mixed signals? Are you reacting because of her reaction or the fact that she gave him her number in the first place?

The fact that she is hot and being approached by other men is normal, but the real issue is your feelings about how she handles it, and how confident you are with your relationship. Some people like to play games just to get attention. Is your girlfriend an attention hog? Do you feel like she always needs validation from you and other men? Is it clear that she is committed to you?

You need to discuss the boundaries that will make you both feel secure and trust each other. This all begins with honesty and being real with each other. You can express your needs and then let her do her thing and decide if it works for you. Be calm, cool and collected when you talk.

You have every right to know what her intentions were with this guy. Was she giving him her number as a friend? For business? To introduce him to you? To fix him up with a single girl friend? To flirt? And ultimately, is this okay with you?

Ask her how she'd feel if the situation were reversed. Obviously, most attractive people do get hit on whether they are hitched or not; it's how they handle these situations that's important.

Jealously is a nasty emotion that eats away at the fabric of many relationships. Many couples have issues that arise from insecurities and past hurt. After openly talking and working out what makes you feel safe, the jealousy can be diffused. Speak up and let the chips fall where they may.

Most men enjoy being with a woman that all men want. If she is truly yours, she will let other men know. If she isn't, then she's not worth the worry!

Renee

Need a Love Tune-Up? Send your questions love and dating challenges to AskRenee@Lovemechanics.com. Check out Renee's book "Love Mechanics", Tune-Up Kit, seminars and phone consultations at www.RapidDating.com  orwww.LoveMechanics.com. Or Call to order at: 310-656-7099


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